California Dreaming

Me on Cliff trail at Capitola

I'm trying to settle into my new life without Julian. It's tough, but I'm doing OK. His work is all around me in our house and that is comforting. I often feel he's still here, especially when I am falling asleep, and around dinner time when he is due home from the office. I went on a trip with my Mom to California and I had the urge to call him each day to check in. I did call our home number several times just to hear his voice which is still on the answering machine, crazy huh!  Actually, maybe not so crazy because  Faye was very upset when she called and didn't hear his voice. She thought I had taken his voice off.   She said, I feel so sad but I understand that you have to take it off sometime.  I just have a backup message system now through Cox which kicks in when I'm on the phone and don't click over.
I have been forcing myself to do things but actually planning things is the hardest. Many friends and family have been around or have invited me places. This is good. The California trip was the first thing that I actually planned. I wanted to go, but it seemed so complicated. It really wasn't and we had a great time. We stopped at my cousin Gayle's house in West Covina on the way to San Francisco. We spent almost a week my sister Diane's house in Pleasant Hill. Diane and Bill took Mom and I to Napa, Capitola Beach and across the bay to Fisherman's Wharf. On the way home we stopped at Santa Maria to see my Uncle Dick (really my cousin, but he is just a few years younger than my Dad and they spent most of their summers together growing up). We also got to see my cousin Yvonne and meet her new husband Mike. Then we stopped in West Covina with Gayle and Bill before heading home to Phoenix.

This is one view of my sister Diane's yard.  It is large and she loves to garden.  It is always relaxing to spend time with Diane.  We always feel loved and taken care of.  She and Bill have recently finished remodeling the house and it was great to see all the  upgrades.  The kitchen, family room, old bathroom have all been dramatically changed.  I didn't think to take pictures inside.  The old bathroom now feels like you are showering outside.  The tile is rainbow shades of green, there is a sky light  and a big plant in the shower which tickles your hum-hum and flowers on the counter.
 

Mom, Bill, Billy and Diane in garden

Diane and Bill take 2 walks every day.  It gets them and Quinoa their dog out of the house.  Here we are hiking in a very large park nearby their house.  It is typical California landscape with rolling hills,  large old oaks.  There is a section that is an old walnut grove because this used to be a ranch.  Above is Diane with Quinoa.  He is a golden retriever and is trained quite well (or maybe that is Diane and Bill who are trained) except when he sees another dog.  Then he just takes off, won't listen and wants to play.  For example he finds and brings in the paper each day and after eating he brings his food bowl into the kitchen to be washed then when Diane says "door" he goes back and closes the door! 

Another view of Diane's yard

Flowers in Diane's yard

You may wonder why they can have so much green grass when Calif is often in drought.  Well, they get irrigation like I do, but it comes in a special water system instead of flood irrigation like I have.  They can set up the sprinklers to water whenever they like.  I think this area was agricultural, but I'm not sure.  I don't think that it is usual for California, but her whole neighborhood has this type of irrigation! 

Stay tuned for many great California adventures in the next blog, Fisherman's Wharf, the wine country and the beach! 

Memorial trip to North Rim and Zion

 Faye, Javier and family took me with them on a trip to the North Rim of and Canyon and Zion National Park.  The Canyon and Zion are Julian's all time favorite places to hike and enjoy the big outdoors. His wish was to return.  We did our best to start to grant that wish on this trip.  He returned in our footsteps.  We remembered him and his love for this country. My goal is to do another trip to the Canyon and Zion next summer taking along more children and family.   This picture was taken on the Watchman trail overlooking Zion Canyon just above the mile long tunnel. 

The group at the North Rim.  The mountain far and faint in the background above Maceo and Niko's heads is San Francisco Peaks.  You can't tell it in this size picture, but we could see snow on the top from this far away!   Left to right is Nathan, Faye, Carol, Maceo, Niki, Javier and Jules.  I think that I also embedded a slide show in this blog.  We shall see if that worked.  

 There are many AZ natives who have never seen the Grand Canyon. Non-native Julian could never see enough of it.  He hiked up and down many of its trails

 Nana and Jules with lichen covered sandstone in the background.  I have always liked lichen.  It comes in many colors:  various shades of greens, yellows and oranges.  It grows very slowly (maximum 1mm per year).  I think they are fungus and algae which grow together on rocks or trees. 

Notice we are missing Nathan and Niko here.  They were sick this day and stayed in the room.  We really missed them.   The night before Niko and Nathan spent huddled over trash cans.  Three or 4 times that night someone would throw up and Jules would wake up and cry.  Being a school nurse,  I'm certainly used to children vomiting, but I felt slightly nauseated also the next day.  We blame it all on Jules who threw up once and was not herself for a day before we left on the trip.

 Faye, Javier with Jules asleep and Lower Emerald waterfall in the background.  I have seen this waterfall fill up that whole ledge after a rain.  We also got to see Steve (who married Faye and Javier) and Deb while we were in Springdale (the little town outside Zion).  It was great seeing them again. 

 This flower is growing in this sandstone.

This is Jules perched all by herself on a rock overlooking Zion Canyon

Julian's Memorial Service and Gathering of Friends

 It meant the world to me and I know to Julian also that the Marine Corps Honor Guard presented the flag at the beginning of the service.  Being a Marine meant a lot to him.  He had a Marine temperament.  He was brave, careful, meticulous and without fear up to the end.  He was on the Marine Corps rifle team and then ran the rifle range at Parris Island during the Korean War.  He carried his rifle to high school every day to practice.  My, that was a different day and age.  Now you get kicked out if you even bring a toy gun to school!   "Some people live an entire lifetime wondering if they've made a difference in the world, Marines don't have that problem." ~ President Ronald Regan.  Thanks, Marines for your service.  They came an hour before the service to make sure that the flag was folded correctly (it wasn't) and that everything would go smoothly.  That tells you a lot about why the Marines are the best. 

The memorial service was at our church, First United Methodist on Central and Missouri in Phoenix.  We (meaning my family) visited it soon after it was built in 1952 when my grandparents were here visiting from Australia after Jacki was born.  I think my Grandfather who was a  Methodist missionary in the outback of Australia when he was young wanted to see the stained glass windows.  The stained glass windows at First Church are beautiful and inspirational.  Small world that years later it ended up being our church (My Mom goes there also).  I couldn't have planned the service without the help of Nancy in the church office. I didn't know what to do or how to start, she did.   Much moral and emotional support was given to us by Rev John Flowers who visited in the hospital and Rev Karen Vannoy who lead the service.  My good friend Don Benton who is also a Methodist Minister also helped plan and took part in the service.  Don and his wife Jana were Stephen Ministers with me  years ago and they also knew Julian.  

The Marines folding the flag

"To observe a Marine, is inspirational. To be a Marine, is exceptional." ~ GySgt Charles F. Wolf, Jr.

Nick Newberry gave a wonderful tribute to Julian's work as an architectural illustrator

Kelsea Walkley tied her memories of her Uncle Julian to faith and God's creation.  Julian didn't go to church very often, however, in recent years even before he got the cancer diagnosis he was walking his own faith journey.  Some of our closest times as a couple were when we took turns saying a blessing each night before we ate.  I wish I could have a tape recording of how he pronounced the word blessings in his southern accent.  It always touched me.  Somehow praying out loud together and discussing our deepest concerns and blessings helped us feel so close.  The last months of his life he told me over and over that he felt at peace and was not afraid.  He didn't quote John 14:27, but that verse was basically what he told me over and over again.  I am at peace, I am not afraid.  Part of that verse says, "Do not let your hearts be troubled".  He told Faye over and over again that he wanted to know that I would be OK.  I told him a couple days before he died that I would miss him, but that I would be OK.  I think he was waiting for that reassurance from me that I would be OK.  I will be OK and am trying very hard to not let my heart be troubled. 

Julian talked for the children and told some funny stories of his Dad including a story of how his Dad taught him very important things such as how to lie when necessary.  Just a side note on that; Julian always told me, "if you are ever pulled over and asked if you have had anything to drink, always say, No, Sir."

 Kelly offered up a prayer. As long as I have known Julian he has wanted to have a closer relationship with her.   It has been wonderful that we have got to see Kelly so much over the past few years and that they got to make up for lost time.  It meant so much to Julian.  Not the same as those missed childhood years I know, but wonderful none the less.  Kelly is one of the strongest and inspirational people I know and she has given me strength.  Kelly sent us a book called, "The Red Sea Rules".  We took turns reading it out loud each night before bed.  It was very helpful for the cancer journey.  Some of the most important rules for us were: "Realize that God means for you to be where you are", "Envision God's enveloping presence" and "View your current crisis as a faith builder for the future".  You will have to read the book to  learn the other rules.  Thanks Kelly and Happy Birthday on June 20th!  We now move on the the Gathering of Friends celebration at our home.  I really enjoyed this time with family and friends from near and far. I loved seeing the kids playing and having fun together.  I loved time individually and in groups with all who attended.  It was very magical and healing.  I cherish the times with those who were here before to help get ready after including Faye and Javier, Kirsten, Jacki, Larry, Kelsea, Sean and girls, Ryan, Nick and May.  Julian's 3 sisters Dawn, Jeannine and Linda entertained us all with their stories. It was great that a few out -of -towners were able to stay till the next day including Julian and Camille, Star and Blaine and Virginia.   I loved our afternoon tea time when we could relax and enjoy each others company.  Those who provided comfort food are too many to mention, but the choir and friends from church and Stephen Ministry, Camille's Mom Reiko, the Gonzalez family and May were big contributors.  Thank you all.  You are blessings in my life. 

Sean and Jules

Rowan

Making mud pies

The sisters table

Aubee and Rowan

Mom

Airah and Dylan

Bailey and Jules

Yours truly and Kelsea

Jacki

Telling stories the day after

In Memory of Julian

I have a hard time believing Julian is gone. He is everywhere around our house in his art, his work and the people he touched. He passed on April 29, 2011. He told me time and time again in the month before his death that he was at peace and not afraid. He didn't quote the Bible, but John 14:27 , "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." describes his feelings as expressed to me. He said the day before he died, "I'm not going to make it through the night." He knew partly because he had just dreamed of his Mother and told me that he woke up calling her name. The night he died when I was with him he also woke up calling her name. I am comforted that she was there leading the way. He died a year and a day after his good friend Chris. I picture Chris and Julian up there being followed around by Merlin our cat who died a few months ago. These things all give me comfort, but I am still so sad to loose him and miss him so much.

We babysit our granddaughter Jules at least one day a week and Julian loved her. She is so joyful and happy and makes us laugh. Even when he didn't feel well because of chemo, I would often hear his booming laugh blasting out from where they were playing together. That was music to my ears. The last thing he taught her was how to point and touch index fingers with someone (like ET). She often looks me straight in the eye, reaches her finger out, waiting for me to meet her halfway in our own little Papa like communication.
I think I'm singing, "Five little monkeys jumping on the bed" here. She would climb and jump from one of us to another when we were sitting on the couch, thus the song. Yes, laugh if you must, but I have musical touretts. It's a gift I got from my mother.
This is one of my favorite pictures of Jules. What more can I say.
We have been very lucky to be able to spend so much time with Rowan and Dylan since they were born. We visited them a lot and they visited us. Kirsten and the kids spent 3 months living with us while waiting to join Rob in India. They thought it was going to be a few weeks, but we were lucky enough that India took more time than expected to process their paperwork, etc. That was such a fun time and such a blessing in our lives.
This is Kelly and her husband Dean on a trip to Arizona. Spending more time with Kelly these past few years made Julian so happy. We got to see her each time we went to Atlanta, then in Puerto Rico and we got to take her on 2 tours of Arizona. This picture was taken at Indian gardens at Oak Creek Canyon where we always stop for lunch.
Julian doing one of his favorite things, hiking.

The picture above was taken at Kristen and Rob's wedding. Dave Dunlap and Jules are looking sexy in their kilts! This is one of my favorite pictures of Julian and Dylan up in Flagstaff when a storm was coming in. Their matching shirts was not planned but certainly cute.
Granddaughter Amy has visited us 3 times in Arizona and it has been great fun getting to know her so well. This was at the North Rim of the Grand Canyon.
Three generations of Julian Harbour Clarks!
Jules and "the fruit"
Julian and I at Hermits Rest at the South Rim of the G.C.
We were hiking in our favorite aspen grove at the base of the San Francisco Peaks in Flagstaff. There was a fire in that area, but I understand (and hope) that this beautiful grove was spared.